My Husband Addicted to Porn and Affairs

Dear Rob,
My husband and I have been married 23 years…. during this time he has had at least 2 emotional affairs and 2 sexual affairs, the last one with a married friend of mine.

He has gotten smart and now avoids single women because they tend to get “attached”.

Initially he got a “thrill” out of having a “secret friend”, now he gets a “thrill” out of having a “secret lover”.

He is not interested in having a long-lasting relationship with any of these women because as soon as I find out, the relationship (whether it is sexual or not) immediately ends.

It is like he is addicted to the “secret” part of the relationship…. he doesn’t love the women, only the “secret”. What is going on here?

He really enjoys the GFE (girlfriend experience), but can’t see to get beyond that… The last two therapists we have been to said he was verbally/emotionally abusive to me and that he suffered from depression, ADHD, and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).

He was prescribed medication for these disorders but refuses to take it.

He spends quite a bit of time looking at internet porn (saving the images in hidden files), but denies that he has a “problem” with it.

Most of the time he is emotionally distant… We have 4 kids but they won’t talk to him since they found out he was having an affair with their friend’s mom…. they think he is disgusting.

Other than providing financial support (when employed), he has not provided any other kind of support to me or the kids.

He moved out of the house in May… lives with a gorgeous tall blonde (as house mates only) female.

He described his last affair partner as looking like a “troll”; his exact words. What should I do? File for divorce?

Hi,

Yes, I do think that divorce or a permanent separation is almost your only option.
If he has a medical problem and refuses to take his medication, then he is a danger to himself and those he is around.

If he has a sexual addition (porn) then his behaviour is not safe for you or your kids (grand kids?) either.

I think that he’s been trying to “prove himself” to you through these secret affairs. Being able to do this under your nose, in your house, has been a weird type of fetish. Without a lot of counselling and taking his medications properly he will remain a danger to himself and others.

I feel awful for the situation you are in but I want you to put yourself first here from now on. Don’t think about how you can help your husband, he needs to decide to help himself.

Cut off contact with him unless he starts taking his meds and starts behaving normally again.
Somewhere inside I’m sure the man you married still exists. It’s just past the point of being totally your responsibility. Take care of yourself now, ok?

Let the lawyers deal with it.
Move his stuff, whatever remains, out of the house.

Keep the lines of communication open with your kids, you need their support and they need to you stay strong.
Have you thought about counselling for yourself, to deal with this transition in your life? It might be a good idea.

I hope I have helped,
Rob.