Search, find, intro, date… the magical four steps for turning an online meeting to a real world date.
The above is an example of what an introduction email should be.

All the prime elements are included:
- name
- info in profile (and picture, of course)
- invite to a very soon face-to-face coffee date

The challenge most people have is not withdrawing as fast as possible from an online meeting to a real world, face-to-cafe, listen-to-them-slurp-their-soup type real date.

You can only share so much online before conversation becomes stale. So, why hurt yourself over agonizingly slow “compatibility tests” and such… you see her/him, a quick intorduction letter ilike above, and move forward!

I have a close friend “with benefits” who I spend most of my time with but am realizing he is not who I want to be with and that I need to get out more and act my age (21).

So, this past weekend I hooked up with a guy who I have been attracted to since the day I met him. He is a ladies man so I would always tell myself to stay away! But this was something I couldn’t pass up.

He always tells me how much he really likes me but would never want to hurt me when he sees me out or even asks my friends about me when I am not around. When we do talk he explains that he does not want a relationship, he just wants to act his age for the time being.

Well, he stayed at my house and we became very sexual and passionate with each other. The chemistry was so amazing! Although, I did not have sex with him I am having a terrible feeling about what I did. I don’t want him to feel different about me.

Was he even telling the truth from the beginning about liking me? Why am I so attracted to a guy who is with different women all the time? Should I even call him or wait for him to call me? Yikes! What should I do?
Confused and Unsure

Hi Confused and Unsure,
This guy is a player. A classic syndrome of a man doing what he can to fulfill his sexual needs, with little or no regard to his partner. Or their feelings.
Despite him asking about you with your friends, I have a feeling that this is just his usual MO (modis operendi).
Attraction has many levels, the first being a physical attraction. While this is required (usually) to begin a relationship, it’s a deep down, true commitment that makes any relationship work.
You say that you are only 21, that’s fine. It’s a great age to be free, dating and not going too fast into any committed relationship. Just don’t cheapen yourself for a couple of thrills. Trust me, they’ll come back to haunt you as you get older.

Don’t call this guy. And when he does call, put him off for a few days…. make him earn the time to spend with you and make sure that he’s moved you out of his “little black book” and onto his speed dial, as a way of showing commitment towards getting to know you better and not just using you.

I hope this helps, let me know how things work out for you.
Rob

All nice and pleasant, if not a little bit trying too hard to stay on your good side.

Always trying to please you and more often trying to keep in touch with you all the time.

He says he wants to be close to you but in reality he’s smothering you with too much attention.

The insecure guy will want to be sure that you like/love him all the time. He will call, text, IM you to death. He will hold your hand, too nervous to go any farther without explicit instruction from you. And he will profess his love for you in every sentence, every word and he will be visibly disappointed when you don’t respond the same way, with the same amount of vigor.

He will test you limits of love and durability.

He will argue with you because “He knows best” even though he stopped listening to you a long time ago.

You will be afraid to beark up with him and at the same time try to push him away, become less available to him and make him love you less.

You won’t be able to breakup just once with him, it will be a three- or four-time breakup to get him used to the idea that you aren’t the right woman for him.

The insecure guy will hound you to date him and he will try to get to you through his friends, not yours, because your friends understand how much you don’t really want to date him but his friends will try to make him happy.

If you’re in a relationship, or are about to be ina relationship with an insecure guy, you need to set him straight right from the start. Tell him what you will accept from him about his behavior and what you won’t. The insecure guy wants, above all else, to win your approval (he thinks that’s love) and will do what you say. He will eventually accuse you of trying to control him but it is him that will control you, blackmail you, and even abuse you verbally and physically, to try to make you love him.

There are many sides to an insecure guy, just like any other guy, but this type wants to be everything to you and will stop at almost nothing to prove that to you.

Be strong and keep any relationship with an insecure guy on your terms, not his.

He has gotten smart and now avoids single women because they tend to get “attached”.

Initially he got a “thrill” out of having a “secret friend”, now he gets a “thrill” out of having a “secret lover”.

He is not interested in having a long-lasting relationship with any of these women because as soon as I find out, the relationship (whether it is sexual or not) immediately ends.

It is like he is addicted to the “secret” part of the relationship…. he doesn’t love the women, only the “secret”. What is going on here?

He really enjoys the GFE (girlfriend experience), but can’t see to get beyond that… The last two therapists we have been to said he was verbally/emotionally abusive to me and that he suffered from depression, ADHD, and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).

He was prescribed medication for these disorders but refuses to take it.

He spends quite a bit of time looking at internet porn (saving the images in hidden files), but denies that he has a “problem” with it.

Most of the time he is emotionally distant… We have 4 kids but they won’t talk to him since they found out he was having an affair with their friend’s mom…. they think he is disgusting.

Other than providing financial support (when employed), he has not provided any other kind of support to me or the kids.

He moved out of the house in May… lives with a gorgeous tall blonde (as house mates only) female.

He described his last affair partner as looking like a “troll”; his exact words. What should I do? File for divorce?

Hi,

Yes, I do think that divorce or a permanent separation is almost your only option.
If he has a medical problem and refuses to take his medication, then he is a danger to himself and those he is around.

If he has a sexual addition (porn) then his behaviour is not safe for you or your kids (grand kids?) either.

I think that he’s been trying to “prove himself” to you through these secret affairs. Being able to do this under your nose, in your house, has been a weird type of fetish. Without a lot of counselling and taking his medications properly he will remain a danger to himself and others.

I feel awful for the situation you are in but I want you to put yourself first here from now on. Don’t think about how you can help your husband, he needs to decide to help himself.

Cut off contact with him unless he starts taking his meds and starts behaving normally again.
Somewhere inside I’m sure the man you married still exists. It’s just past the point of being totally your responsibility. Take care of yourself now, ok?

Let the lawyers deal with it.
Move his stuff, whatever remains, out of the house.

Keep the lines of communication open with your kids, you need their support and they need to you stay strong.
Have you thought about counselling for yourself, to deal with this transition in your life? It might be a good idea.

I hope I have helped,
Rob.